The #1 Reason Men Stay Stuck
It is one of the biggest obstacles for men on the path to become their highest selves. Women can also experience this obstacle. But for men this is generally a bigger problem. A problem that holds men back from doing the inner work and become the person they’re meant to be.
So What Is Keeping Men Stuck?
It's the ego. But not in the way you might think...
When we speak of a man with a big ego. We often think of someone who has to boast continuously about his success, skills, women or wealth.
And that is definitely egoic behavior. But there is more to the ego than being a big ***.
The ego is a part of you that wants to protect you from pain.
What Is The Ego?
There are different definitions of the ego. So to avoid confusion, let’s see those definitions and determine which one we use for today.
Eckhart Tolle describes the ego as a false identification with the mind. The Ego Is What You Think You Are. For instance, people who think they are better or worse than others. are people with a strong identification with the mind and thus a big ego. It is possible to live without this identification with the mind. To be fully present and ego-less. At least according to Eckhart Tolle. To do this, practice being present without the mind labeling everything. A fun exercise is to say to yourself ‘I am’ and leave the sentence at that. Just be aware of how the mind wants to fill in a label after the ‘am’.
In Jungian psychology, the ego is regarded as the sense of self. It is not possible or desirable to live without this ego. Unlike with Eckhart, here the ego is seen as a good thing. A strong ego would mean to have a healthy sense of self from which you navigate through life.
My coaching is based on IFS and parts work. In that domain, the ego can be regarded as one or more protective psychological parts. They try to keep all the other wounded parts at bay so you don't have to deal with them.
What Triggers The Ego?
So for instance a man grew up without a healthy masculine presence. This created a wounded inner child part. This wounded inner child part misses his father. The ego then directs the man’s attention away from the pain. In this case by steering away from anything masculine. All to avoid having to deal with the father wound.
The ego can work subtly, but the ego can also be heavily triggered. For instance when the wounded part is heavily activated due to something that was said or happened. In this case the ego works hard to deflect the pain.
Basically, the ego is a part of you that wants to protect you from pain. It keeps you from being confronted with old wounded parts of you.
It wants to keep you safe. By keeping you where you are.
You can live in a cave thinking you are healed. Because nothing triggers you. Until you get into a relationship. Some wounds can only be triggered within a dynamic of a relationship.
How Does The Ego Keep Men Stuck?
For the conscious man, the ego becomes more sophisticated. It doesn’t boast; it subtly sabotages you from becoming your higher self.
Here are 5 ways the ego can blind you
1. You project your trigger onto your partner and think he/her is the cause of your pain.
2. You think you don't need help/healing/coaching/etc.
3. You keep postponing a decision you know you need to make.
4. You avoid doing the work and keep yourself preoccupied with distractions.
5. Your ego manifests an obstacle and you see it as a sign to not do what you must do.
The Ego Can Manifest?
Yes it can. The ego can show up as images in your mind, as thoughts, and as feelings. These in turn can have a manifesting impact on your life situation.
The ego can manifest circumstances that make it more difficult to do what you must do. Or it makes it difficult to make the right decision.
The manifestation can be experienced as desirable. Especially if it resonates with a sense of comfort and to not have to go out of the comfort zone.
While this can still be Source/Universe/God guiding you. It might be your ego manifesting circumstances to keep you where you are.
Can The Ego Ruin The Relationship?
In a romantic relationship we are at our most vulnerable. And that invites us to show up with all our parts. Including those wounded parts.
Therefore it is no surprise you can easily get triggered in a romantic relationship. The ego can handle this in different ways. But it's purpose remains the same. To protect you from having to deal with those parts.
For instance, the ego can project it completely onto the partner. And in doing so it shifts all the responsibility and accountability to the partner.
Or the ego takes all the blame, and wants to remove himself from the relationship. To heal on his own.
This is a subtle way of the ego to remove the man from the situation that is causing the triggers. While those triggers are a great invitation to go within and do the healing.
You can live in a cave thinking you are healed. Because nothing triggers you. Until you get into a relationship. Some wounds can only be triggered within a dynamic of a relationship.
Relationships are amazing vehicles for personal and spiritual growth. Once both partners understand this they can support each other through this. And then the chances are high that the relationship will prosper.
How To Break Free From The Ego?
To know how the ego can misdirect you and sabotage you, will create awareness for when it happens. Anything that emotes negative feelings within you, can be regarded as being caused by the ego. Being aware of this, will help to dive into what’s going on within you.
With coaching we will be working on these parts. Doing so helps to heal any wounds. And at the same time, it will be easier to be aware of the ego and break free from it.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is ego in a man?
Though the ego basically is the same for men and women. For men the ego can typically show up more in terms of focusing and identifying with status, power, and freedom.
Why is the ego generally stronger in men versus women?
The more connected you are with your body, the more present you are. The more present you are, the less sway the ego can have over you. Women have a monthly cycle in which they are forced to be in tune and listen to their body. It is this fundamental biological difference that makes it easier for men to have bigger egos.
What builds a man's ego?
Generally whatever builds his sense of masculinity. The more a man has succeeded in terms of status, wealth, power, freedom, the more material there is to cause a big ego.
Is ego a red flag?
Not on its own. But the ego can cause bad behavior. For instance, it can cause the person to not take any accountability and responsibility. In that case, that would be a red flag.
What would the world look like if all men were connected with their heart, their light and dark masculine, their emotions, and their mission which they would pursue with fierceness and fervor to protect and provide for their loved ones?
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