Situationships Are Sinking Ships
Situationships seem fun and easy at the beginning. But behind it all, are traumas that are triggering the nervous system to seek safety. Safety that is found in being in a non-committed relationship that is a situationship. A situationship can be very challenging, exhausting and harmful. As situationships by nature are stagnant, there is no way for the [situation]ship to go, except down.
What Is A Situationship?
A situationship is a type of romantic relationship wherein the couple does romantic activities together, however, it is not formalized, labeled, and defined as a romantic relationship. The couple never went past the stage of defining the relationship, or perhaps defined it exactly as it is, a situationship.
Imagine dating someone and after several dates, you would normally formalize the relationship and get exclusively committed to each other.
Once the relationship grows, you will meet each other’s friends and family, start making plans for the future together, post photos as a couple online on your social media, and so on.
A situationship lacks one or more of the above. In essence, a situationship lacks commitment by either one or both of the partners. It can also lack exclusivity, have superficial contact, irregular contact, lack of integration into each other’s lives, and more.
While a relationship can bring out the best in someone, a situationship can not.
How Does A Situationship Work?
A situationship can be considered to be between a ‘friends with benefits’ situation and a committed relationship. It works in many ways just like a real relationship, but with the freedom of being single.
That's how it works. Except, it doesn't work.
Oxytocin is a powerful neurochemical that is known as the ‘love hormone’. It is also considered one of the 4 happiness hormones. It is released when we feel connected with each other. It helps regulate stress, emotional stability, and sexual functioning,
Because oxytocin is so powerful, there is no way to stay detached from someone (unless you break up the attachment). So as a situationship evolves more into a serious relationship without making it a serious relationship, problems will arise. And unless a choice is made to commit to each other, the ship has no way to go but down.
Can A Situationship Cause Trauma?
Yes it can.
What we generally seek in a relationship is safety for us to be fully seen and accepted. A relationship that lacks commitment is not safe. A relationship that lacks depth is not safe.
Committed romantic relationships are amazing vehicles for spiritual and personal growth. Where each of you can support each other and inspire each other to show up at your best.
But a situationship is not a relationship. You do not have the safety of a committed relationship. You can not have the same expectations as in a relationship. Whenever something goes wrong, the 'relationship' can immediately be ended as there was no commitment to begin with.
Our mind and nervous system crave clarity, safety, and stability. And the ambiguity of a situationship can subconsciously be very stressful, and exhausting. Causing you to act differently than you would normally in a committed relationship.
The taxing ambiguity can lead to anxiety, insecurity, self-esteem issues, loneliness, feelings of inadequacy, questioning self-worth, or fear of rejection. It can be particularly harmful for people with an anxious attachment style for whom the lack of clarity and commitment of the partner increases feelings of unsafety and fear of rejection.
So while a relationship can bring out the best in someone, a situationship can not.
By healing those parts in you, you release your potential to attract the loving fulfilling passionate deeply connected romantic relationship you deserve.
What To Do When In A Situationship?
A relationship is always a mirror for both parties.
So if your relationship is a situationship, what does that say about you?
What makes it that you have attracted this type of relationship?
If you’re not committed. What makes it that you don’t want to grow this situationship into a real relationship? How does this situationship make you feel?
If you’re committed and the partner is not. What makes it that you are in a relationship where your love is not being reciprocated? How does that make you feel?
A situationship can be the result of trauma. Fear of commitment, fear of choosing the wrong partner, fear of rejection, feeling unworthy of a real relationship, feeling undeserving of love, having a savior syndrome, all stem from traumas that need healing.
So what to do when you are in a situationship?
No one can tell you what you should do. However, you can ask yourself the following questions to get more clarity:
“Am I fulfilled with this (type of) relationship?"
"Is this going where I want it to go?”
"Would I want to be in a committed relationship with this person?"
How To Get Out Of A Situationship
If you want to get out of a situationship there are two ways.
If you want to have a committed relationship, say so to your situationship partner. If the partner says no, then abandon the ship.
(Also, don't present it like an ultimatum. You want someone to choose you for you, not because otherwise the situationship ends)
If you don't want to be in a committed relationship with this person, break it up.
Either way, the wounds that have attracted you to be in a situationship are still there. So they need healing. By healing those parts in you, you release your potential to attract the loving fulfilling passionate deeply connected romantic relationship you deserve.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a situationship turn into a friendship?
Feelings can be developed during a situationship, which can make it hard to be friends after the situationship ends. But it is certainly possible.
Can a situationship be one-sided?
Yes and no. If you are committed and interested in growing it into a relationship, but your partner isn't, then that is one-sided. However, if you have not talked about formalizing the relationship or you agreed on not formalizing it as a relationship, you both agreed to be in a situationship.
Why a situationship hurts?
Because there is no escape from developing feelings for each other. For becoming more attached to each other. So when a situationship ends, it can hurt just as bad or even worse than a regular break-up.
It can also hurt to be in a situationship where you're committed but your partner is not. In that case, your love is not reciprocated, which negatively impacts your emotional well-being.
Can a situationship turn into a relationship?
Yes it can. But be aware whether you and your partner are really committed to being in a relationship together and working on that. Most likely, the wounds that made it feel safe to be in a situationship, will show up in the relationship as well.
How to get over a situationship?
Just like with an actual relationship. For the heart, there is no difference between loving someone while in a relationship and loving someone while in a situationship.
Why end a situationship?
Why would you stay in a situationship? Do you not feel deserving to be in a wholesome committed loving supportive passionate deeply connected safe relationship?
Will he/she come back?
If it is meant to happen, it will happen. Focus on your well-being. On healing those parts that are blockages in the way of achieving your dreams, goals and desires. Become the best version of you, so that you shine so bright your future partner only has to follow the brightest star in the universe to find you.
What would the world look like if all men were connected with their heart, their light and dark masculine, their emotions, and their mission which they would pursue with fierceness and fervor to protect and provide for their loved ones?
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